19 July 2021 – Pink and Twisted. It was the name of my cocktail at the Vernal Brewing Company in Vernal, Utah, this evening, but it’s also my philosophical topic for today. What do pink and twisted have to do with me and my life? My life has had very low points and very high points. I have been blessed with many wonderful things, and I have had the opportunity to do many things. I have been successful, and I have been loved. I have given until it hurts and given until it brought me to complete bliss. However, I have never been pink and twisted. I have never even been pink or twisted.

I have always been blue, black, orange and white but never pink. As a child, I was always a tomboy. I enjoyed riding my bike, roller skating, playing in ditches and climbing everything I could find. If it was daring or scary, I would try it. If I shouldn’t, I did. I helped my dad working on cars and doing yard work. I was always willing to get dirty and do what was needed, and I loved playing in the rain. In middle school, I kept the score for boys’ sports because girls were just too high maintenance. This time was my blue period. After being selected by my eighth-grade teachers as “Student of the Year,” I had a lot of pressure on me when I started high school to be as good, if not better. I became what I thought was the perfect student. I took all of the right classes; I was involved in all of the right activities. I volunteered and worked and aimed to be the best I could be. I did my best and spent most of my free time getting ahead in school. If there was something I wasn’t good at, like band, I found a way to make it work in my favor. I was a Girl Scout and earned my Gold Award. I tried to be the epitome of the perfect Tabb Tiger. This time was obviously my orange period.

In college, most of my tuition was due to scholarships, so I worked extra hard to be sure no matter what, I would keep it. I also did work-study to make spending money. My first two years of college were spent in books, the cafeteria working, and the computer lab writing code on the mainframe. When I got married after my sophomore year, I continued being the perfect student and working on campus. My husband would go to the NCO club after work with his buddies, and I would go home and study and take care of the house. Once I graduated, I found the perfect job so I could take care of my family. Dave’s dream was for me to make enough money someday so he could retire. I worked towards that every day; but, once I reached that point, he loved his job so much that he wanted to keep working. I wanted to be the perfect wife and mother and daughter. College and the years of my marriage were my white period.

Many people probably think that when Dave died, I entered my black period, but this isn’t exactly true. During all of my other periods, I had moments of black. I would go into the deep dark spaces in my mind and stay there because it was easier than pretending that everything was sunshine and rainbows. I was always independent and self-sufficient. I didn’t even rely on Dave for anything. If I was sick or hurt or stressed, I still took care of everything. I was never going to rely on anyone for anything. The worst part is that although I wouldn’t let Dave or anyone else do things for me, I would carry resentment because I had to do everything myself. These moments of resentment and the guilt I have carried since are all part of the black period that I dove into after my life changed drastically.

Now is the time for me to be less independent and more carefree. It is time for me to worry less about being perfect and to find more enjoyment. I want to be a little more princess and a little less warrior. This would be my pink period. I also want to find joy in my day no matter what I do, and I want to do it all, even if it’s crazy. Maybe I will start working only 8 hours a day and take a nap once in a while. I want to dance in the rain, spend more time being lazy, take up a new hobby and just have more fun. I will spend more time outside of my comfort zone, and I will even let people take care of me. This will be the twisted part of my pink and twisted period. Pink and Twisted, I’m going to try.