20 July 2021 – I heard the Lady A song “Worship What I Hate” and knew I had to write about it. The song really spoke to me. I have spent the bulk of my life paying too much attention to things that I know are not worth my time. My body, what other people think, what other people do, and what other people expect. Why did I care so much?

Sometimes I think I internalize what people think because it is what I already think of myself. I love when something hurts my feelings, and someone says, “You know better than that. You know it isn’t true.” Here’s the thing, if I didn’t already think it myself, I wouldn’t care. I know this because when someone tells me I am bossy, I shrug my shoulders. After all, I know that. When someone says I am antisocial, I laugh because everyone already knows that. Insults don’t hurt unless I see my truth in them.

One lyric in the song sums up the title of the song and describes how I have treated myself in one line, “build a church out of all my hurt.” I have discussed in the past how I use my hurts and how tall and thick and solid the walls of my heart are. I treat each hurt like it is essential to who I am, and I use it to build my wall and surround the most important piece of who I am. Why do I worship what I hate? Why do I make myself so small and trivial? Like the song says, I let my fears take up space that belongs to joy and hope. The worst thing about storing these hurts is it means that I think I can solve each of these problems myself. But instead, the walls just get higher and thicker.

I keep looking at myself in the mirror
Hoping it will change
And I keep wishing for a brand-new body
That I didn't have to blame
I'm seeing every flaw, like a failure
I'm using every cure, like a savior
Like trying to build a church out of all my hurt
When it really needs grace
I gave all my time to nothing
I focused on who I was
Not who I'm becoming
My fears they took up space
My eyes couldn't look away
I didn't even realize
I worshiped what I hate

~ Lyrics from Lady A Song "What I Hate"

Immediately after talking about what you do with your hurt, the lyrics contain the line “When it really needs grace.” Anyone who has ever had a real conversation with me about my faith knows that the one truth I believe in more than any other is grace. I have believed in Grace since I was a child, but I didn’t really know exactly what it was or how much I believed in it until about seventeen years ago. After taking a Bible Study and learning about what the Bible said about God’s grace, I knew it was central to my faith. I am going to go off in left-field for a minute but trust me. It is necessary for you to understand my point of this post.

The Bible talks about many types of grace, but I tend to focus on three:

• Prevenient Grace – this is the grace that God gives us when he gives us a soul, it’s free and we can only lose it if we commit the unforgivable sin.
• Sanctifying Grace – the assurance of forgiveness that comes from repentance, from turning toward God’s gracious gift of new life, this is the grace we get because we believe Jesus is our Savior.
• Justifying Grace – denotes the process by which the believer is made holy and whole in response to justification, this is the grace we receive when we not only believe in Christ but we choose to live like him.

John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, used an analogy to explain grace. Wesley said prevenient grace was the porch on a house. It is where we prepare to enter the house. But, there is more to a house than the porch! There is more to a journey than the desire to travel! We must enter the house or begin the journey. Justifying grace is the doorway and the process of walking through it. The door is open with a welcome sign on it inviting us into God’s house. Sanctifying grace represents the rooms in the expansive dwelling of God’s presence with and purposes for humanity. It’s our opportunity to live with God.

When I started teaching Youth Sunday School and confirmation, I realized quickly that middle school and high school youth needed an even simpler analogy because it was the one lesson I wanted them to know if they forgot everything else. I started using the analogy of a gift. Prevenient grace is like a wrapped gift. It is given to us, and it’s ours no matter what. Opening the gift is like choosing Christ and receiving justifying grace. Then, once we decide to use the gift, we choose to live like Christ and receive sanctifying grace. This lesson was one they understood. At the end of each class, I gave them chocolate. It was me reminding them of the gift of God’s grace. And, reminding myself not to worship what I hate.

The hurt I carry and worship is just me not having enough faith in God’s grace. I believe I have great moments of sanctifying grace in my life, but I fail to have it often because I put the gift back in the box. Other times I forget that God loves me despite my mistakes and my sins. The youth always asked me the same questions about forgiveness, “Do you think Osama Bin Laden is in heaven? What about Ted Bundy?” My answer wasn’t always popular with adults, but it helped the youth to really understand that despite all of the reasons they think they aren’t going to heaven. I explained to them that based on the definition of grace, everyone, no matter how awful they were in life, has the opportunity to join God in Heaven. Since we weren’t there when they met God, we can’t know who they were at that moment either. This thought gave the youth hope, and it gives me hope.

So, why do I forget how much grace I am given and how much love God has for me? Because God also gave me a logical brain and free will. Meaning sometimes, I worship what I hate instead of the one who loves me.