11 April 2012 – I am fearless!

I have driven a race car at 150+ miles per hour around Richmond International Raceway. I have driven a car at Virginia International Raceway at about 115 miles per hour on the backstretch. I drove a race car at Langley Speedway against young men who didn’t want me out there, and I knew were trying to wreck me every week. Despite not liking heights, I love roller coasters; I have worked on scaffolding three stories high on the back of a house on the edge of a cliff in Appalachia to put up siding. I have done aerial climbing and zip-lining. Hang gliding from dunes behind a plane and released by a plane. Fearless!

I have never been afraid to speak in front of a group, no matter how large. I remember emceeing/narrating a school-wide history celebration in the third grade and again in the eighth grade at a different school. When it comes to working, I have always been willing to learn and do whatever was needed, even if it required me to learn something new and out of my wheelhouse. I remember being asked to deliver the message at church on laity Sunday; I said yes immediately. Give me a challenge. I accept. Fearless!

Then comes my emotions. I can tell you all about myself all day long, but don’t expect me to tell you how I feel about something. There are many reasons for this, but there are a few main ones. One, I don’t want to say anything that may hurt someone else. For instance, if I am feeling upset because someone did something that hurt my feelings, I will keep it to myself. By doing this, the person doesn’t get hurt by me. I can’t bear to hurt others. Plus, if I keep my emotions to myself, then others won’t think bad of the person. Two, I don’t think anyone really cares how I feel. I don’t want to express emotions and have other people be apathetic. I have experienced that too much in my life, and I won’t put myself out there like that.

Most importantly, I keep my emotions to myself because I am afraid of rejection. The one thing worse than someone not caring about my emotions is someone rejecting them. I will show care and concern for others all day long because I truly care. I would never ask someone how they are if I don’t want to hear the truth, and I don’t respect them enough to allow their feelings to be legitimate. However, I have learned never to expect that from other people. In my experience, other people not only don’t want to hear what I feel, but they are more likely than not going to reject my feelings. Rejection comes in different forms – someone could say my feelings are not legitimate, someone could be horrified by my emotions, someone could use my emotions against me, or someone could laugh in my face or at least make it feel that way.

That said, I am not fearless when it comes to my emotions. I keep them close to my heart. They are the insulation of the wall that protects my inner self. I’m not sure I will ever be more open with my emotions, let alone Fearless. Maybe I will one day fear less.