23 April 2021 – A friend keeps telling me that I need to see myself the way others see me. He keeps trying to convince me that I am better than I really am. I have lived with myself for over 49 years, and he has known me for less than two years. What can he see that I don’t? I know that I may not be as small or as less than as I think I am, but I am not who he thinks I am. I have hidden the real me so well.

There are so many things that I hide from the world. Some of these things I am ashamed of. Some of them are just secrets. Some of them are obvious to the world, but I don’t want to admit them. If anyone thinks I am less than a mess, then they are wrong. I have hidden flaws, shortcomings and mistakes for so long that I am pretty sure that if I put them out there, I will be alone forever, and that is not something I look forward to. To prove to my friend that if the world sees me the way I really am, it will be a disaster. I will spell it out.

I have never been the pretty girl. I am not necessarily the ugly girl, but that doesn’t change much. After I broke my front teeth in 2nd grade and they discolored, I was always less than. For years, people made fun of me and talked about me behind my back because of the “rainbow” of my front teeth. It hurt and was awful, but I survived it. At least I wasn’t fat. I never even understood how I had a boyfriend let alone a husband. After I had my teeth capped, I became pregnant. Since then, I have never been thin. The fact is that I have never been the pretty girl. Even my mom told me that my sister was the pretty one. I don’t think she meant anything by it, but it solidified how I felt.

I have never been the smartest person either. I was able to keep up and even fool some people, but I knew the truth. I was easily a B+ student but never more. My parents, my siblings and even my friends thought I was much smarter than I really was. I worked really hard to maintain that image. When things got too close for comfort, I would just fake it as long as I had to. I know many things about a lot of things, but I am not great at anything. Until today, I was the only one that knew that.

I have only ever succeeded in life because I worked really hard. I am not the smartest or most talented. I have never been qualified for any job I have ever had except maybe washing dishes in the cafeteria in college. Fortunately, people have always given me a chance, and I have made the most of it. I work harder than necessary and harder than everyone around me so that people couldn’t see my flaws. It worked out really well for me. I have had a very successful career. I’m lucky I have hidden so well, and so many people can’t see me.

I have never been as loving and respectful as I should have been (see my post Perception is Reality). A couple of times in my marriage, Dave actually wanted to leave. He was over me and unhappy. As an adult, I have always tried to be as honest as possible with my feelings. Dave did not always take very kindly to that. I never thought I said anything that wrong, but he was over it. I hid the fact that Dave was unhappy with me. It was hidden from everyone.

I have made so many freakin’ mistakes in life. I have hidden them from everyone. If my dear sweet friend knew who I really am, the person I have kept so carefully hidden, he would understand. Being small and seeing myself as less than is the reality of who I am. It’s not just the way I see myself. It’s the real me. At 49 years old, it is more obvious than ever that I don’t have much more to look forward to. I hope my friend understands now.