26 April 2021 – What do humans have in common with dolphins, chimpanzees and elephants? (Besides being mammals!) They all feel heartbreak and grief. One of the best books I have ever read was “Leaving Time” by Jodi Picoult. The very short summation of the book: a story about a mother’s love that takes place in an elephant sanctuary. The book taught me more than I ever needed to know about elephants and their relationships. An elephant will search for its lost child just like a human parent will do. Elephants are also unfortunate enough to grieve in many of the same ways humans do, including crying, being inconsolable and isolating. Most of the animal kingdom is much luckier and doesn’t have to deal with troublesome emotions.

What if we could avoid feeling heartbreak and grief? Would life be better if we didn’t have to feel sorrow or pain? There is a Miranda Lambert song called “Tin Man” where she is singing to the Tin Man and explaining that he doesn’t really want a heart. She tells him, “You don’t know how lucky you are. You shouldn’t spend your whole life wishin’ for something bound to fall apart” Later, she tells him, “You ain’t missin’ nothin’, ‘Cause love is so damn hard. Take it from me, darlin’. You don’t want a heart.”

Someone asked me if I thought losing a spouse to death or to separation and divorce was worse. At the moment, I was sure it had to be death because I was so angry and heartbroken, and there was no one to yell at and no one to hate. Being mad at God didn’t really work for me. As I’ve thought about it over the last few years, I’ve come to the conclusion that they are not even comparable – they are completely different types of heartbreak.

Death is the end of a dream, the loss of love with no hope for the future. It hurts – it’s isolating, and it’s something very few people my age have to experience. Separation and divorce are the end of a dream and the loss of love and its rejection. Unfortunately, since it’s not a complete loss of hope, many people continue to hope that it isn’t completely lost, which often causes a long cycle of pain, especially if the other person plays games. Although many people go through a divorce, every relationship is different, and no one can completely get what a person is going through.

I guess the real question should be would I be willing to give up love in order to avoid pain? Is it worth the sacrifice of love to avoid pain? If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said yes. I was finally feeling completely whole, I was done grieving, and I never wanted to feel heartbreak or grief again. Today my answer may be a little more hesitant. I crave warmth and love, and I have bouts of loneliness to find nothing to fill it. I am beginning to think love is worth heartbreak.