1 May 2021 – Yesterday, as I cut the grass, my mind was working double time. My mind has two speeds, off and hyperactive. One of the things I love about cutting the grass is that my mind is usually empty. It’s a very calming activity for me. Yesterday was different. And, I wasn’t thinking about the million things I need to do, which is usually my go-to thing. Instead, I was obsessing over what other people think of me. I know two things for sure: (1)Everybody worries about what other people think about them, sometimes, and (2)People don’t spend a lot of time thinking about me, but I still worry about it. I wish I was more like Eleanor Roosevelt and I could leave it alone.

I have always worried about what other people think. If I send an email or a text, I labor over every single word. I want to be sure that whatever I say is easily understood and doesn’t make things harder for anyone. I want to be sure that I come across knowledgeable but not overly. I want to be completely informative without making anyone feel like I think they are stupid. I want to be sure my responses are kind, but I don’t want to be overly kind and come across sarcastic. While I cut the grass, I agonized about all of the emails and texts I had sent this week. Had they come across as intended.

Then, I started thinking about what strangers think of me when they have to interact with me. Do I come across as snobby or pretentious? Are they intimidated by me, or do they find me friendly? I try to be kind to everyone I meet. I smile, even with a mask on, so that I come across as friendly as possible. I would never presume that someone would want me to initiate a conversation, so I don’t. Even though I never go out of my way to talk to strangers, I am always extra nice when talking to them. But what do they really think after our interactions? I never want to make anyone’s day harder or worse because I was in it.

I try to be extra nice to anyone in customer service because they really deserve to be noticed and appreciated for the job they must do to take care of all the terrible people in the world. But of course, I worry about how I come across to them too. Do they think I am sincere or sarcastic? What do they think about after I leave? I hope they know I am sincere and truly appreciate all they do. I want to be sure that I don’t make their day or their job harder.

Coworkers and what they think about me is a special kind of obsession. It has always been my aim to make work better for everyone. If I can do something to make their job or their workday easier, I will do it. Not because they aren’t capable but because I want their time at work to be more pleasurable. Do these coworkers understand this, or do they think I am trying to suck up to the boss or just make myself look better? Am I actually good at my job, or do I make things harder for my coworkers? Do I come across as thinking I am better than them, or do they understand that I just want to do the best job possible? These thoughts are so much a part of my workday that they can make work stressful.

Mostly I obsess about how I come across to people I care about. Do they understand how much I actually care about them, or do they think I am all talk? I don’t worry about whether they like me as much as I worry about whether I annoy them and make their life harder. I want to make everyone’s life easier and more pleasurable, whatever that looks like to them. I would give everything I have to make someone’s life better. Gifts of service are my love language. I want the people I love to feel that love, but I worry that they don’t.

I have always worried about what other people think of me, but not in the same way that most people do. I worry that if people are annoyed by me or don’t like me that I am somehow making their life hard or worse for them. I only want other people to have the best life possible, and I hope that is what other people think of me. But since I do not have the superpowers of Professor Xavier for mind-reading, I just have to work harder at making sure I don’t bother other people.