Body Hatred

19 May 2021 – Body hatred is real, and I have it. I think everyone has it. Ask anyone what they don’t like about their body, and they can think of at least one thing. We all have it to varying degrees and about different parts of the body. At times, we have it really bad, and it becomes a big issue. Other times it’s just a bother but not a big deal. It ebbs and flows throughout our lives depending on our internal and external circumstances. The external influences on our body hatred include social media, our relationships with others and society. If the world makes us think a certain ideal exists, then we compare ourselves to that ideal. The internal triggers are harder to pin down because they are often very personal; however, they are usually based on how our external influences have affected our lives up to that point in time.

I am sure of a few things. One, if each of us were isolated from birth and never had any contact with another person, we wouldn’t have body hatred because we would think we were fine just how we are because we wouldn’t know there was another way. Two, if we were only in contact with one other person, we would experience body hatred because we would compare ourselves to the other person. Finally, if we were each taken right now and isolated from everyone else, we would still experience body hatred because we would still have that picture of an ideal in our minds, and we would compare ourselves to it even alone.

Everyone experiences it. Everyone! We hear all the time about celebrities that suffer from it. We’ve all heard our friends say something disparaging about themselves. Women are often more obvious with their concerns, but men do it too. Often a man can make it look like a competition, but it’s actually internal hurt coming out. Sometimes there are easy-to-see signs such as plastic surgery, eating disorders, addiction, self-mutilation and obsessive exercise, but it is often just an inner struggle. I obviously can’t understand how other people see themselves, but I can describe how I see myself.

I have struggled with body hatred throughout my life and in varying degrees and definitely about different things.

  • When I was in the second grade, a boy tripped me at Vacation Bible School. I landed face-first on the sidewalk and broke my two permanent front teeth. The dentist repaired them, but there were issues. He had to use metal anchors to hold the false part to what was left of my own teeth. These metal anchors eventually discolored my teeth and made it look like I had a brownish-colored rainbow on my teeth. I was extremely self-conscience of my smile for the next fourteen years until I got them capped. I was not particularly eager to smile for pictures; I was always serious because I didn’t want to smile or laugh for people to see my teeth, and I was teased. I was fortunate that for these fourteen years, I was fit and not ugly. This obsession with my teeth also helped me avoid the normal body issues that teenage girls deal with, and for that, I am thankful.
  • There was one body thing I dealt with as a teenager. I was in the flag corps at school, and our band director and flag corp coach decided that our uniforms would be a black unitard. Imagine being a teenage girl wearing a skin-tight black unitard at football games in front of the whole school. Again, I was lucky, and I was fit, but that did not stop me from making sure I didn’t eat or drink soda when wearing it. I wasn’t going to make things harder on myself. Overall though, in high school, I was happy with myself. There was even a guy who told me during my senior year that he thought I had great legs, and he loved it when I wore a skirt or shorts because it really showed them off. He was timid and nice about it. Hearing compliments always help.
  • When I got married in June 1992, I wanted to wear a straight, form-fitting dress. My mom and Dave wanted me to wear a Cinderella-style dress, and they got what they wanted. In return, my mom made me a short, form-fitting, red dress to wear when we left the reception. Body hatred was NOT an issue that day. I was 105 pounds and a size nothing, I looked great.
  • A little less than two years later, I still only weighed about 112 pounds, and then, I got pregnant with Meghan. When she was born in November 1994, I weighed 190 pounds. I lost twenty pounds in the hospital, baby plus water weight, and over the next two years, I lost about twenty-five more. I was down to 145. Those two years were tough for me. I was sure Dave hated how I looked, and I was always careful to do things that pushed attention away from me.
  • I did okay for a couple of years. I felt okay about how I looked. I could still wear a bikini to the pool because although I weighed more, I was still fit. Other things about my appearance started to bother me, like my hair that was never quite right. My belly button, which had changed after having a baby and the stretch marks. When you gain eighty pounds in six months, the stretch marks are epic. They go from my waist to my thighs, all the way around. Like I said earlier, there is always something that isn’t perfect.
  • In late 1997 I got pregnant with Shelby. I only gained forty pounds this time, but after she was born in July 1998, it was much harder to lose any of it. Both girls were born by C-section, so I also had those scars and the extra stuff that happens to your belly thanks to that. I worked hard and got fit again but never got below 155.
  • Over the next twenty years, I aged, and my body rebelled. I have gone as high as 190 and as low as 165, but I am most stable at about 180 no matter what I do. If I work out hard and eat right, I can feel better about myself, but nothing really changes. I have learned to pay more attention to how I feel rather than what the scale says or how I look, but it doesn’t always work.
  • Throughout my life, I have never felt pretty. My mom used to tell my sister she was beautiful and so did others. People tell me how beautiful my daughters are too. It’s just not something I have ever heard, no one has ever said that about me. I am not ugly, but never have I felt more than not ugly. It has never had anything to do with how much I weigh or anything. It’s just the way I see myself.

Body hatred is real, and I suffer from it. I’ve been lucky because it has never caused me any major issues, but I still think about it more than I should. I still have great legs, and I work hard to make sure they stay that way. Often I hate how I look in clothes, and very seldom do I feel pretty. The weird thing is that most days, I think I look good naked. Some days I think I look great, and some days I don’t. That’s just the nature of my life. I have found one thing that helps how I look – happiness. If I am happy, I like how I look.