2 June 2021 – Truth – I am seriously only muddling through. Every time I think I have a handle on my life, I realize that I have slippery hands. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I am on solid ground. Life is not exceptionally hard, but it seems just out of reach. I often pretend things are great, but I am really just faking it every day. The good news is that I am figuring out what my issues are. The bad news is that I can’t seem to get my act together despite knowing what my issues are. If you’ve read much of my blog, you already have a good idea of what my issues are. I am putting them all right here as a reminder to me and to those who read it. Keep me accountable. I need your help. I can’t keep up the way I am muddling through.

My main issue is that I have a tremendous need to take care of other people, and there is nobody to take care of except me. I spent my entire life taking care of other people, and now there is no one for me to take care of. My children don’t need me anymore – this is a great thing – it means I have done a decent job. While I was working in an office setting, I took care of my coworkers. I did all I could to make every day the best day for them. Whatever I could do to put a smile on someone’s face, I did. If I could make them all smile at the same time, I did, and it brought real joy to me. With no one left to take care of – I am lost.

The John Wesley quote above has been used by many people over the years in various forms. A version of it is on a magnet on my refrigerator attributed to Teddy Roosevelt. It’s a wonderful sentiment, and I wholeheartedly believe in it. The problem is that it has become a part of me, and I can’t escape it. If I am not doing something for someone else, I am trying to think of something to do, or I am planning something, or I am doing my daily tasks to have time to do things for others later.

We all know that I have a mild case of grief. It’s very mild and doesn’t affect me very often, but when it does, it takes over. During moments of grief, I lose touch with reality. It is like everything around me is imaginary, if I even notice it at all. Fortunately, it doesn’t usually last very long, but it wipes me out. Sometimes it makes me physically ill, and other times it just wears me down. I should be thankful that my grief is only mild. I am doing much better than I was; I am muddling through.

I’m a workaholic. I always have been. I can’t be still – EVER. I have to leave my house to relax because I can’t just sit at home. When I am at home, I have to be doing something. This is great for my employer, who gets sixteen hours of work for the price of eight, but I know it’s not good for me. I need to spend more time doing nothing or just taking care of myself. I know that, but I am not good at it. I have gotten better at making sure I leave the house almost every day to do nothing but just be.

I have imposter syndrome, also known as self-doubt. This has been a life-long issue for me, and I know how ridiculous it is. My brain just doesn’t listen to me, no matter how hard I try. One of these days, someone will realize I am not as smart as they think I am. Someone else will realize I am not as nice as they think I am. Still, another will wonder how I pretended to have my act together for so long. What will most likely happen is that everyone will realize that I am a fraud and that I have been fooling them for far too long.

If you add all of these things together, it is probably not a surprise that I am mildly depressed. This depression makes it hard for me to do the things I need to do to alleviate the other issues. I can’t relax and take care of myself like I should because I don’t feel like it. I work hard because it makes me feel like less of an imposter. I find less and less joy in doing things for others because I feel less joy, period. Like most things in life, it is a vicious cycle. One issue exacerbates another, which makes another worse, which leads back to the first. It’s truly just me muddling through whatever life throws at me.

This post is my reminder that I am only muddling through. I know exactly what my problems are, I know what I should do to change things, and I am doing all I can. Please hold me accountable. I want to do better. I want to be better.