14 June 2021 – Sometimes things happen that make no sense. Everyone in our life is temporary. Some people come into our lives for almost a lifetime, others for a chapter, others just a page and many just pass through. When we meet a person, we have no idea how long they will be in our life. We definitely don’t know when they will leave our life. Most of the time people come and go without much thought but sometimes we really start to question why they are gone. Did we do something wrong? We can’t figure it out in the moment or even as time passes.

I tend to think God removes people from my life because of one or many reasons:

• They served their purpose in my life
• They didn’t have my best interests in mind
• God heard conversations I didn’t
• They were needed somewhere else
• I outgrew them
• They outgrew me
• I didn’t deserve them
• I did something wrong

People have passed through my life without much of an effect. They were just extras in my life. Those people that came into my life for a page have had a particular effect. Some of them served as a catalyst for action, some have taught me lessons, and some have tempted me to be someone I don’t want to be. Each of these people has been necessary for a short time, but not for a long time. I don’t remember many of them by name or face or even the effect they had on my life, but they were there for a specific purpose. It might even be that they were put in my life for me to affect them in some way.

Those people who were put in my life for a chapter were obviously more significant. I remember their names and their faces. I even know why they were put there. These are the people who molded me for the good and the bad. They are the ones who helped me establish my moral compass, who helped me become good at something. They are also the ones who caused me pain in some way. The loss of some of these people has left deep holes that I have had to deal with – sometimes in nonhealthy ways. The loss of others has been a relief. The people who suck the good out of my life are always free to leave. They have already overstayed their welcome. I am sure some of these people were removed from my life because I screwed up or didn’t deserve them.

The real pain usually comes from losing those who are put in your life for many chapters or even almost a lifetime. This week is a tough one for me. Thursday will mark four years since Daver died, and Sunday would have been our 29th wedding anniversary. I am not feeling sad. Instead, I am angry. I’ve been angry off and on for the last four years. Why did God find it necessary to remove him from my life? I know that I was often a lousy wife and even a horrible person, but did I deserve to have my life turned upside-down? Even if I deserve to be punished, my children do not. Even if God didn’t mean it as a punishment, it feels like one. So, I am angry – but I’m no longer angry that God took him away.

I am angry because I know that God can take anyone out of my life at any time. God has made me unable to trust any relationship I have. I am always waiting for the people in my life to leave. My relationships are often superficial because I don’t want to let anyone stay for longer than a page. For those who stay for chapters or longer, I am always leery of what comes next. I am angry because I am afraid to give too much of myself. I am angry because I always think others have an ulterior motive. I want to trust, and I want to love, but because God removes people I care about, I am too scared. As I have written before, I don’t expect ever to be loved again. I am angry because I think it is my fault because I am scarred and scared because God removes people from my life.