12 June 2021 – This week has been cathartic for me. Finally, I am feeling some lessening of pity and fear. I’m not sure what has changed, but I am more at peace than I have been in many years. I can finally see sunshine beyond today. For years I have seen only a future of dark, temporary, lonely things. Now I see hope. Hope that my tomorrows are not determined by my yesterdays and are not destined to feel the same as today.

In a past post, I mentioned how I couldn’t really dream of a happy tomorrow. I found it difficult to feel hopeful for anything different, anything resembling happiness. Where would those feelings of happiness and sunshine come from – where would I find smiles and peace? I still do not know, but I have some hope that it will happen someday in some way, even if only in small, temporary doses and even if it doesn’t bring real happiness. Small bursts of happiness can fill me enough to continues.

I have become more comfortable with myself and my internal struggles. I still don’t love my body, and I hate pictures of myself, but I like myself alright. I am comfortable without makeup or doing my hair and no bra, no problem. It’s nice to be comfortable. I may never feel sexy or attract the opposite sex, but I will be content in my own skin.

I have always known that my real happiness is based on helping others be happy, if only for a moment. If I can continue to do things that bring happiness to other people, I can feel warm inside knowing I showed them love and kindness, even if I don’t get the same in return. I show my love most widely and most easily with acts of service and gifts. I can give and walk away, expecting nothing in return.

My issues start when I expect something in return. When I really care about another person, I share quality time and words of affection. These acts are what doom me because this is when my feelings can be hurt. I’m not sure what the difference is for me; however, once I care enough to give you my time and my words, I have given you a piece of me that I will never take back. I don’t mind giving pieces of me away. What scares me is not getting enough love and care back to fill the voids. If I keep giving and giving and never have my own self filled, eventually, I will be empty. I won’t have anything left for me. I know I will never stop giving all that I am to others, so I will have to find a way to be refilled.

I feel I will probably be doing life alone forever. There will be family and a few good friends along the way, but overall I will be alone. It’s a difficult realization but a realistic one. I need to work harder to find other ways to make connections with my world and to fill my life so that I won’t find myself empty even if I am alone. My new task is to find a way to add something to my life every day so that I end up with nothing, empty and lonely. I love with all that I am, and I give everything I have. To keep giving and loving, I will have to find new ways to fill myself.