28 June 2021 – Survival is essential. You can’t do anything else without it. I have spent years just trying to get through the day. I have had to work even harder to survive the nights. We are taught when we are young that to survive, we only need oxygen, water, nourishment and shelter. Guess what? They lied to us. These things are necessary to keep our bodies alive, but they do nothing for our souls or hearts. To truly survive, we need comfort and embrace. Living without those things is not survival. It’s just being. For years I have had everything I needed to live. I’ve had more than I need. But it hasn’t been enough.

Coming home to an empty house each day is difficult. There is no one there to share your thoughts and concerns with. There is no one there to listen to your frustrations or ease the stress you have built up over the day. So if you come home angry or upset, you’re on your own to figure out how to relieve those emotions. Without someone to share them with you, you internalize them, or you try to find other ways to expel these unhealthy emotions. Some people turn to alcohol, some to food, some to exercise. Others turn to laziness or sleep. Or, like me, they just let the emotions build up and settle in their soul.

Even with friends and family who care about me, it’s not the same as having a person who is there with comfort and embrace. It may not true for everyone, but it is for me. I have difficulty getting close to anyone and an even harder time leaning on or depending on someone. It takes a lot for me to be vulnerable, which means that I can’t just call a friend or have a drink with a friend and express all of the emotions I have built up. I overthink everything, including every single relationship I have ever had. I need to feel really secure before I allow myself to make a more personal connection. When I don’t have that, my feelings stay inside and solidify.

I have spent years just letting all of my emotions build up. My walls have gotten tall and wide. These walls have protected me, but they have also become very heavy. I’m at a point that I need more than just living; I even need more than survival. I need comfort and embrace. Those were tough words to write because they show that I am vulnerable, not something I am comfortable with. I would much rather take care of everybody than admit that I might need something. But the truth is that sometimes a shoulder or a hug is needed to feel okay again. And sometimes it takes a long snuggly embrace to begin to feel whole and like you can go on and actually survive.

I look forward to the day when I have someone to provide the comfort and embrace that I need. But, until then, I will love fiercely so that others don’t feel alone in their survival. I will always offer a shoulder or hug.