21 March 2021 – I sit at Yorktown Beach today. One of my happy places. It has always brought me smiles and fun, especially on the Fourth of July. I have had wonderful experiences here with family and friends. My sister even got married here in 2018. I’ve enjoyed many walks here – especially with my pup, Bear. It is filled with joy, and it relaxes me. I feel open and in touch with my soul here. This is where I came the day I found out Dave had cancer (22 October 2016). We had no idea how advanced it was, and I was sure he would beat it. Twenty-four hours later, we would know better, but that day I came to meet some friends and I had a great time. It was the last time my life felt safe and on track, the last day I had a plan and someone to share it with. It’s been 4 years and 5 months since that day, and it has been 3 years and 9 months since my dreams died.

Dreams

I slowly had to say goodbye to my dreams and the life I had envisioned 30 years earlier when I first met Dave. We all have had dreams that we have had to say goodbye to. Dreams that we have grieved. Most of the time, I have been okay saying goodbye to dreams because I could see they weren’t the right ones, they weren’t needed, or there were better ones. When I was a kid, I dreamed of being a mother, a race car driver, and the president. According to Meatloaf, two out of three ain’t bad. In college, I dreamed of being a social worker and starting an orphanage. Instead, I got a C in my first Sociology class and an A in Calculus, so I majored in math and computer science. As a young adult, I dreamed of making enough money to take care of my parents, siblings, and children so they had everything they could ever need. I never became rich, and everyone seems to have what they need. When the girls were in high school, Dave and I dreamed about selling everything and moving to Appalachia to serve the less fortunate. When he died, so did that dream. I don’t want to do that by myself. Dreams change or die, and you dream again.

Prayer

I don’t pray as I should. I don’t sit in silence with the Lord and ask or plead or praise or thank. It’s only when I really need something or when I feel a miracle has happened. Once in a while, I just pray because I think of it. I do often talk to God in my thoughts and passing. Is that enough? I used to pray more consistently. I was diligent every day to ask for blessings for myself and others, pray the Lord’s prayer and thank Him for all he had done. Then, I felt my prayers were not heard when I needed them the most.

As an adult, I have never really felt His presence. I have seen Him in others, but I don’t see Him in my life or feel Him in my soul. Although my life has been good overall, it’s also been full of fear and loss and very few close friendships. I feel like loss has been prevalent in my life. Despite prayers and desperate need, I’ve lost so much over the years: friends, family members, dogs, security. Where has God been, and why can’t I feel his love? What is the point of prayer when they are continuously unanswered, and the joy never comes? The past six years have been especially hard.

Friends

Whenever I hear the Tracy Lawrence song, “Find Out Who Your Friends Are,” I always wonder who I could call that would drop everything. Don’t get me wrong, there have been people at different seasons in my life that fit the bill, but they are few and far between. I have been told that God does not want us to be alone, so he sent the Holy Spirit and fellow humans to share our life. I know that without others, if I fall, I may never get up. Who would we laugh with or cry with – who would be there when we can’t imagine going another step? I now pull away when I start to get too close to someone because I am too afraid to be hurt or abandoned. I love with all my heart for a short period of time, but then I start to pull away. I thank each friend I have ever had. The fun friends that have brightened days, the confidants who have listened and advised, those who have told me hard truths, and those who have picked me up. You know who you are, and I apologize for pulling away when you might have needed me.

Bravery

I often look at myself through my own eyes rather than through God’s eyes. Weak, small, less than. I need to remember that God loves me, and He has called me to be ALL He created me to be and not who I think I am. Thanks to God’s guidance (at least I think it was Him 🤪 ), I have made some brave choices recently (new job, much less pay, selling my house, traveling).

Over the last three months, I have taken steps toward a new future. It’s a future I can’t yet see, and it’s very lonely. I need to focus my future on shining a light in my own life. One thing I know for sure is that I can’t do it alone. I will need to Dream New Dreams, Pray and Listen and Maybe Wait, Keep Friends Close and Be A Friend. Van Halen says it best, “And in the end; On dreams, we will depend; ‘Cause that’s what love is made of.”