11 July 2021 – The last week has been an emotional struggle for me. It has been a rough few days for me. As I write this, I am struggling with myself. Do I have the endurance to continue? If I continue, am I doing it because I want to or because others want me to? If I stop am I saying that I am less than I thought, or am I saying I know who I am and do what I want? These are just some of the questions on my mind today.

I am having a difficult time finding the same wonder in what I was doing and seeing. The first part of my trip was amazing, and every day was an adventure, but the last week has been something else entirely. I haven’t been finding much joy in what I’m doing, what I am seeing, or where I have been. Despite the beauty and the miraculous natural phenomena I have seen, it hasn’t done anything for me. At first, I thought it was just the place. I hated Las Vegas and then had an awful experience on the 4th of July. But then, the rest of the week was beautiful and full of crazy wonderful scenery. The weather has been perfect, and I’ve eaten great food, but in the end, I feel like I am just going through the motions. Do I have the endurance to continue?

A little over 21 years ago, I started experiencing extreme acid reflux. I had my first attack at the Daytona 500 in 2000. The doctors first thought it was my gallbladder, so they removed it, but it just got worse. After going to the emergency room one too many times, a doctor finally discovered it was acid reflux. No medications were working, and after an endoscopy, he saw that my esophagus was eroded and had lesions. In June 2001, I had surgery to tighten the bottom of my esophagus. For about 15 years, all was good, but things have gotten worse over the last 5 years, and I have had several acid reflux attacks. My gastroenterologist told me that it might be time to have it re-fixed. Each attack forces me to sweat and want to curl up in a little ball. My normal reaction is to take off all of my clothes and lay on the cold bathroom floor until it passes. I start to cry and scream because the pain is so excruciating. These attacks last around 40 minutes, and the only thing that helps is that I know it will end. I’ve had three of these terrible acid reflux attacks in the last few days, twice while driving. I’m not sure I have the endurance to continue like this.

Yesterday, after a great morning in Seattle at the Pike Market Place and a ferry ride, I started walking towards the Space Needle. On my way, I tripped on a curb and face-planted on the sidewalk. There was blood all over my knee and my hand and coming from my mouth. I wasn’t sure exactly how bad it was. I stopped at a coffee shop to get napkins, and I sat on a bench to have a look. I had a large scrape on my right knee and another on the side of my right hand. Things got worse when I looked at my face using my phone camera. The upper left lip had two holes in it, one on the inside and one on the outside. I had a bruise forming on the left side of my face. It was disturbing, but my first thought was to get back to my hotel room and clean up. It’s probably not that bad. By the time I walked the other ten blocks, my lip was bleeding too much and wouldn’t stop, and the left side of my chest really hurt. I went to urgent care and had two small rocks removed from my lip and, after an x-ray, realized I had a fractured rib under my left breast. The doctor said that they couldn’t suture my lip because of the location and that my rib was just going to hurt until it was healed. He offered pain pills, but since I am driving, I declined. This really brought down my mood.

Today I woke up and couldn’t decide what to do next. I was in a lot of pain and couldn’t move without pain. Plus, my face looked horrible. My lip is swollen, and my face is black and blue from my chin to my left eye. I actually considered driving to the airport and leaving my car, and just flying home. I was sure I had more endurance than that, so I found someone to carry my bags to my car, and I just started to drive to my next stop, Walla Walla, Washington. The drive was hard. I normally drive with my left arm, but I couldn’t do it. Twice I sneezed and thought I would die. I stopped several times to stretch and breathe deeply per the doctor’s orders, so I don’t get pneumonia. When I got to Walla Walla, the hotel clerk was so concerned about my injuries that he called the police. I spent an hour explaining to the police that I was fine. They finally believed me and left me.

The week has gotten worse day by day, so I am trying to decide what comes next. Do I go home, do I go to my parents, or do I continue? If I continue, do I slow it down? I’m not sure what is right for me, and I’m not sure how to make the decision. Despite the endurance I have always shown, I’m not sure it’s always the best decision to just keep going because everyone expects me to. There is no way for me to be sure I am making the right decision…