26 August 2021 – French pastry is delicate and fragile. Made with lots of butter, french pastry is extra light, airy and flaky. Who doesn’t love a beautiful croissant? A woman who I admire very much and who has become a sweet friend was trying to find a way to capture what my blog tells her about me and my journey. She said the closest thing she could think of was french pastry. I immediately understood what she meant. Thanks to my dad, I am very familiar with what it takes to make pastry.

Each year for Christmas my dad makes a confection called Lady Locks. They are a delicate pastry filled with decadent cream. The pastry takes hours and lots of work to make. This pastry is made similarly to french pastry. You make a simple dough with very cold butter, flour, sugar and salt. Mix it until it forms a dough and then form it into a 12-inch square, wrap it in plastic and chill it. Every hour you take it out and spread very cold butter over the top, roll it and fold it in thirds and chill it again. This process is not only tedious but it is also difficult because the dough and the butter are so cold and hard from being refrigerated. But it has to be as cold as possible or you won’t get the beautiful flaky, airy layers that you want.

After about six times doing this, you roll out the dough and cut it into strips. These strips are rolled around a foil cylinder into a tube and baked. Since the dough has been layered with so much butter, it becomes flaky and crispy and, of course, delicious. They are then filled with a beautiful, smooth, delicious cream. It takes an entire day to make a single batch of lady locks and we can eat them all in one day.

Over the years, my siblings and I have also made the pastry but mine never comes out as well as my dad’s. I switched to store-bought puff pastry years ago but even that requires more patience and time than I really like. Pastry, especially French pastry requires attention to detail, dedication to the process, and a lot of patience. The pastry is very delicate, almost fragile and full of more layers than you can count. If you put together the process it takes to make the pastry with the result you get, it describes well my journey.

I have diligently gone through heart and mind over the last few months. Facing truths about myself and adding to them the fears that I carry and the avoidance techniques that I love to use is like rolling out the dough and the butter. It has been difficult and cold and tedious. It has required attention to every detail and dedication to the pain of who I really am. I have come out on the other side with discernable layers and a more delicate nature. My heart is filled with more love and kindness than before, and most of the negativity has been smoothed out. I have also come out with beauty and strength that can only be found when you are willing to put it all of the time and work and painful self-reflection.

A perfect French pastry, delicate but real and full of everything good.