12 September 2021 – A friend recently told me that having friends is difficult. At first my heart sunk wondering why it’s hard to be my friend. The more I thought about it, I completely understand and agree with it; however, I know it’s worth it. There are many reasons having friends can be hard. First, it isn’t easy to find a good friend. It’s not like when we were kids, and we instantly had a new best friend every day, and our only concerns were what game we were going to play or at whose house we were going to play.

We learned as teenagers that not every “friend” has good intentions and many will turn on you in an instant. As adults, we get wrapped up in our careers and our families and many of our friends are just the parents interact with because of our kids or our spouse or work. Most of these friendships are superficial and they die as soon as we don’t have that something that was putting us together. So, for many adults, if we have REAL friends it’s for one of these reasons: they have been your friend forever, there is a tie that binds you, or you are lucky.

How do we even make friends as adults? Sometimes it is through our children’s activities, neighbors, church, other friends or acquaintances, activities or work. For me, I have had friends cycle through my adult life. Most are only there through a particular situation. They become friends while we are working together, but then that ends and the friends are lost. I made friends with the parents of my kid’s friends. Many of those friendships were good but they only lasted as long as we were constantly put together. I have also made friends at church and through activities, but most of those don’t last either. These relationships have taught me that being friends is not so hard if you are put in situations where you see one another often, you can commiserate about the same things, and they don’t take too much work. We are already putting so much effort into raising children, keeping our heads above water, managing work and life, making the most of our careers, and struggling in our most personal relationships with family and our partner. We don’t have the time or energy to put work into other things like friendships, which means having friends is difficult.

When you are lucky enough to have a friend, the real difficulties start. When you have a friend, you have to care about what they think and feel. That’s right. Friendship takes the same nurturing as having a spouse. You must take time to listen to what they have to say about the things that matter to them. No relationship, not even friendship is 50/50. Every good relationship is 100/100. If you care about another person, you have to be completely invested in listening AND hearing their concerns, their worries, their craziness.

I am pretty good at the listening and caring part because I really do care – usually more than I should. I will internalize your emotions and take them on as my own. It’s the only way I know how to be. My problem is that you can’t just do it sometimes, it needs to be constant, which is extremely difficult for me because I can’t even remember or take the initiative to reach out as I should. Ask any friend I have ever had – I am an absent friend. I am the friend you never calls or texts, who never asks to get together, and never reaches out first.

I am good at being there but I’m not good at getting there. Every single friend I have ever had is because that person reached out to me and pursued the friendship. I am still learning how to be a friend and for me the hardest part is reaching out to others. I get so comfortable in my own space. I hesitate to put myself out there for no other reason than because it means I may face rejection and I am not good at that. If I don’t know for sure that someone wants to hear from me, I will not reach out.

Part of me knows that I need to go outside my comfort zone and take chances so that I can be a better friend, but my heart won’t allow it. I will continue to work on it. Having friends is difficult and the first reason is that you have to be there for your friends. But even if you’re good at that, there are other difficult parts of friendship. Part 2 tomorrow.