31 May 2021 – Healing is hard. It’s really hard. But it’s essential. There are often things that happen in our lives that hurt us. Many of these things heal by themselves with a little bit of time or perspective. However, some things hurt so deeply that it takes years and years to deal with them. Sometimes it takes soul-searching, forgiveness or counseling. It might even take the rest of your life. There are even times when you never fully heal. If you are lucky, you can go on.

I have been hurt at different levels by many different things during my life and so have many people I care about. I have friends who have been in both physically and emotionally abusive relationships, been cheated on, been abandoned, lost parents or children or spouses, divorced, lost jobs, been physically or mentally hurt, had chronic or terminal conditions, been estranged from loved ones, been raped or otherwise sexually abused or assaulted, or hurt by unknown forces. Each of these things causes different levels of hurt in various ways in different people. Just like all other things, every person reacts differently to hurt, and all hurt is valid. If I could heal my friends and family, I would. I would take on all of their hurt as my own if I could.

Hurt affects our everyday lives when we carry it with us. Hurt has kept me from smiling even when I wanted to, and it has made it hard to get out of bed. Hurt has caused me to distrust others and to build walls to keep them from my heart. It has made me want revenge and even seek it. Depression is real, and it can’t always be fixed with medication or counseling; sometimes, it takes strength of self that is hard to find. I have lost friendships and created more hurt because of the pain I carry. Hurt has even caused me to want too much because I think I am due. If I could admit that I am not as strong as I pretend to be and reach out for help and support, I might be able to heal some hurts, but hurt itself has caused me to be almost completely self-reliant. The unfortunate thing about hurt is that it doesn’t compartmentalize itself. Instead, it builds on itself, making the hurt higher and wider and stronger.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am ashamed of the hurt I carry. Other people have been hurt more than I have and still carry more hurt than I have ever experienced. I am almost embarrassed to say I carry hurt because I know there are people out there just shaking their heads and saying, “She doesn’t even understand real hurt.” I have experienced loss and hurt, but I still have my health and a job and parents and children who love me. I have a job that is flexible and allows me to travel and look for new great things. My hurt should be less than that of others who are currently suffering the loss of a marriage or health issues, or intense stress. Because I feel this way, I don’t focus very much on my own hurt until it creeps to the surface.

I heard this analogy about grief and hurt: Imagine your heart is a box with a trigger button inside. This button is the spot in your heart that, when pushed, triggers all of the emotions associated with your hurts. Each of your hurts is different size balls in the box. The size of the ball is based on how big or fresh the hurt is. The balls bounce around constantly and when one hits the trigger button, watch out because all of those feelings come to the surface. You never know when the button with be pressed. Over time, through counseling or forgiveness or perspective, the balls may become smaller, but as long as they are there, they can hit the button at any time and trigger those emotions. This analogy really helped me understand why I can be doing great and suddenly be in a terrible place. Hurt is real, and we carry it with us constantly.

There’s a poet I love. I found her on TikTok, and her name is Shelby Leigh, the same as my Shelby. (Her website is www.shelbyleigh.co) Her poetry is about self-love, mental health and healing. I find it serendipitous how one of her poems can come across my feed and be exactly what I need to hear at that moment. The one in the photo came across my feed this morning and urged me to write this post.

My message to you and myself is that if you are trying, you are healing a little every day. I am a long way from complete healing, but some days are better than others, and there are many more good days than not. I am to the point that I realize they are bad moments and bad days, not a bad life. I wish the same for you, my friends. I also want to remind everyone that as long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else, whatever you do that helps your healing is up to you. Find what works for you and make it happen. Take care of yourself.