29 April 2021 – Today, I read a quote by Mesut Barazany: “Your Future Depends On Your Dreams, So Go To Sleep.” Well then, based on the last few months, I have no future. I am not getting much sleep so I am not dreaming. I can’t figure out why because nothing has changed. I will admit I am not as mentally exhausted as I was when working at a job that tore me down, stomped on me and spit me out, but everything else in my life is the same. Yet, I can’t go to sleep or stay asleep if I do. So, here is a list of the million things that have crossed my mind over the last couple of months.

• All of the things I need to fix around the house
• All of the things in my house that need deep cleaning
• Exercise
• Hiking
• Learning rock climbing
• Paddleboarding
• Friends to do fun things with
• My parents
• Meg and Shel
• Dogs, Dawgs and puppies
• Smiles
• Inspirational quotes that I love
• Great songs
• My favorite local hiking trail – New Quarter Park in Williamsburg
• The Taylor Swift song “Love Story” because it is stuck in my head despite trying every recommended way of getting songs out of your head
• Laying on the beach
• My next adventure
• What are my dreams? – I have no idea! The more I think about it, the more I don’t have any idea!
• Why aren’t more things orange? – I love orange but I don’t see it often enough.
• Why do I always have headaches? – I have had them for years and despite all the doctors and the medicine and the tests and the million other things I have done, I still get them.
• What new thing can I do tomorrow? – I feel like I am out of ideas
• How come I was never able to learn to play piano? – Private lessons in college and no luck
• How come I was never able to learn a foreign language? – 5 years of French and I never learned more than enough to pass the test
• Tennis and racquetball – I am terrible at both even though I want to play. I am actually terrible at all sports.
• WD-40 magic
• How much I hate lying!
• Why did it take me so long to enjoy relaxation? – For years Dave tried to encourage me to sit and enjoy life but I thought he was crazy. I finally learned to enjoy it. It may only occur once in a while and last for 15 minutes, but I try.
• Hammocks by a lake
• Buying a new Mustang
• Being responsible because that is what I am supposed to do
• How much I love butterflies and the fact that I don’t see them very often
• Why? – I constantly wonder why. Every night it is something new based on what I heard, saw, read that day.
• How come I have such a hard time talking to people? – I can never just say hi to somebody and no one ever just says hi to me. Am I intimidating? Am I too ugly or scary looking? Why won’t people talk to me? I can be with a friend and people will talk to them but not with me. Why?
• When will the world end? – I don’t want to know the answer but I wonder
• What was the world really like during Jesus’ time? During colonial times? During the wild west? I would love to be able to travel to different times in history and see what it was really like.
• What would it be like to have more money than I can imagine? – I feel like I could make such a different in the world. I have always given people all I can but I wish I could do more.
• Why do some people love the wrong people? – There are so many good people in the world why do some people insist on keeping themselves in situations that keep them unhappy.
• What would I do if I could do anything? – I would move to a cabin on the water

I wonder if I will sleep tonight and finally dream…funny…what I will think about tonight?