25 February 2021 – It may sound like a dystopian movie, but Thirteen Days Later is actually more like “A New Hope.” Today marks 13 days since I started my journey of living. It has been extremely enlightening. Although I have been with my parents the entire time, I have felt many things. Some good, some bad, some long overdue. Discovering many things about the people in my life and, more importantly, about myself. I’ve found out that I have true, loving friends and family who support me in everything I do without undue judgment. They meet me where I am and love me. Thirteen days later, I have discovered the following truths:

• My parents are doing okay, and they don’t need me as much as I thought. There are some things I could help my dad with if he will let me. I’ve dropped hints so that when I come back, we can tackle them. Mom will probably not be mobile forever, and we need to plan for what that will look like. My parents have days when they are incredibly cantankerous. It brings back memories of my childhood. But then I see how they interact and look at each other, and I realize that they are just cranky, grumpy old people. 😉 The love is evident. I think they need me out of their space so they can spread out and not be side by side all day long. Nobody likes that.
• Shel is a DYNAMITE adult with the skills to change the world; I think she isn’t aware of it. She has handled being on her own for the past couple of weeks extremely well, doing things she’s never had to do and mastering each one. It didn’t surprise me, but I think it surprised her. Shel is an intuitive, skillful, caring young woman that can teach herself almost anything. It amazes me every day her ability to adapt, learn, to care. She no longer “needs” me.
• Meghan is a BADASS with the ability to do whatever she wants. She still has the ability to surprise me every single day. Meg works hard, she definitely plays hard, and she is constantly trying to make the world a better place for those around her. She no longer “needs” me.
• The snow in Colorado is much easier to shovel than in Virginia.
• My parents live in a wonderful neighborhood. Thanks to all of the sidewalks and walking trails, Rusty and I have explored almost every inch of the neighborhood within a 2-mile radius plus more to the west.
• I like taking care of others so much that I forget to take care of myself; I need to work on that.
• It’s easier and safer to continue to make myself small because it’s better than being made small.
• Sharing my feelings has always been hard because I am afraid they will be seen as a weakness, and I will be hurt or disappointed.
• One of my darkest times occurred when Dave died. Through his illness, I believed he would live. I honestly never thought he would actually die until he did. When he died, my world went dark, and I felt as if God had forsaken my daughters and me. It was a blow to my faith, and I could not see a way out. Blaming God and suffering, I saw glimpses of light through people who were placed in my path (LG, HW, JS, PP, LC, AV, SK, BN, GA and more), and sometimes there was even enough light to see hope. I still haven’t reached a point where there is more light than darkness, but I am at least where I feel it may happen. God has encouraged me to make my own light by shining into the lives of others as they face their own darkness.
• There is so much extra I carry – dust I need to shake off. As much as I have parted with and given to God, I have ten times that hanging around.
• There are so many times I gave up or hid things I loved because of others’ opinions or my fear of others’ opinions. I needed others’ approval because I didn’t have my own. As much as I’ve grown out of this, I still do it too often. As I move into this new phase of my life, I need to worry only about what God wants. Learn how to focus on my own happiness when all I care about is others’ happiness.
• I need to learn to be quiet and listen to God. The more time I spend talking to him and asking all of the hard questions (What’s next? Is there love to be had? Will I die alone after growing old alone? What do you want me to do? How do I do it?) the more I learn that I must not listen enough because I hear no answers. Maybe I need to be quiet.
• LG is such a patient and kind friend, always lifting me up, loving me exactly as I am, terrible friend and all.
• SK is a better friend than I ever could’ve imagined.
• I love BN – he sees me, hears me, gets me, and likes me anyway. He knows what I like, he knows what I don’t like, and he knows how to make me feel. He is an amazing man that God has put in my life on purpose, and I am so fortunate for his friendship.
• I haven’t really laughed or had fun in a very long time. The last two times I really had fun were in early 2019. I went skiing all by myself and hung out with the strangers I met at the bar for my 47th birthday and laughed so much. The other time was when I went to VIR in March 2019 with my friends AW and PW to race their Porsche. What a fantastic weekend. I felt so invigorated and alive.
• After Dave died, I embarked on a plan to do at least one new thing each month, and I kept it up for a while. (Went to dinner by myself, Went to the movies by myself, Went to a musical by myself, Skiing for the first time, Ropes course and zip-lining, Raced a Porsche on a road course, Traveled for pleasure by myself for the first time, Got a massage, Shot a gun, Paddle-boarded, Bought a new car.) I did this for about a year, and then I stopped. Why?
• Thirteen days later – I still have a lot to learn. 😝