6 June 2021 – Alone. It’s both an adjective and an adverb. According to Webster, it means several different things, but they all focus on one main theme: isolated, without aid or support. I am alone. I have children and parents who love me, but I am alone. No one relies on me for anything, and I rely on no one for anything. I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Every decision I make, everything I do only depends on me. I am alone in everything. Despite having a job where I work with other people, my only real interaction is email, and those are usually one or two words only. The only human interaction I have is getting groceries and the occasional meal with friends.

I have no person, and I am no one’s person. There are no people in my life that turn to me when they have good news or when something bad happens. No one depends on me for emotional support of any kind, and no one gets excited to tell me anything. I am not that person for anyone. I don’t have a person either. I thought I did, but lately, it doesn’t feel that way. What do I do when there is no one in my life that I can turn to when life gets hard, when I feel good, or when something happens. It is incredibly isolating to know that you are truly alone and that no one would really notice if I weren’t around.

I am getting ready to travel continuously for the next four and a half months. People have asked me what it is like traveling alone. When you are always alone, even at home, you don’t really notice a difference when traveling alone. Literally, I can do whatever I want whenever I want; however, I want. It’s a lot easier to make decisions when you are by yourself. It’s also easier to get a seat at a restaurant because you can always sit at the bar. If I get tired, I can rest, and nobody will care. There are many great things about traveling alone; but, it’s not always fun. You are alone, but you are out of your element, making the isolation much more intense. These are the times when loneliness enters and can ruin the moment, the day or the trip.

I am a loner, but that doesn’t mean I love being alone all of the time. I love to do things for people, but sometimes I like to be taken care of. It is really lonely when there is no one in your life trying to make you smile. This reality is what turns to be alone into being lonely. The loneliness permeates you until you feel alone, even when you are with others. You start to feel as if you are outside of everything, looking in like you don’t fit in any group.

I want everyone to have the opportunity to be alone. Everyone should do it and learn to enjoy it because it gives you time to connect with yourself and understand yourself. Spending time by yourself also allows you to realize what really matters to you and what makes you happy. Time alone is essential. However, I also don’t want anyone to feel the dark, uncared for, heart-wrenching loneliness that I feel.