12 July 2021 – Why do I always defer to others? I don’t always do what others ask me to do, but I always do what they expect me to do. It is not in my nature to let people down. For as long as I can remember, I have been doing what is required of me and what is right in the eyes of others. I even only have two memories of ever getting in trouble while living at home with my parents. There were probably more, but they weren’t enough of a deal to stick with me. The first time was when I was 13. My mom was being less than awesome, so I looked at her and said, “You are a B&#$@!” I deserved to get in trouble for that. The second time was right before my 18th birthday. I had never enjoyed celebrating birthdays, and I still don’t because they never turn out the way I want, so why celebrate just to be disappointed (my life mantra). So, I said yes to a babysitting job for the day of my 18th birthday. My parents freaked out and got angry because they couldn’t believe I would do that. They wanted me to cancel the job. I decided I was going to do what I wanted instead of what was expected, and I refused. I got in trouble, and I was told I could cancel the babysitting job or be grounded the rest of my senior year. I canceled. Since then, I do only what is expected.

It is practically impossible for me to do anything different than what is expected. In college, I was the perfect student. Practically perfect grades, worked for all my spending money, no troubles, and graduated with a double major in four years despite getting married halfway through and attending three colleges. I even majored in mathematics and computer science because my freshman calculus professor told me that was my strength. I had wanted to major in sociology and be a social worker. I didn’t want to walk at my college graduation, but my parents, my in-laws and my husband insisted I do it, so I did. Every year after I graduated, I was asked by my husband and my mentors and friends when I would get my master’s degree. So, as soon as Dave left the military and was able to be home for the girls, I got my master’s degree. It is always easier to just do what everyone expects.

I married the man everyone said I would marry – don’t get me wrong, he was the right guy, and it was fantastic – but I never even considered that there could be anyone else because I was told he was the one. Boy, am I glad they were right. I planned my first pregnancy at the perfect time when I knew I would be done with school but not yet working. I had two children because Dave said that was the perfect number because he was one of two. I had actually never planned to have children because I didn’t think I could love them enough. Everyone told me I would be a great mom, so I became one, and I did everything I could to prove them right. The girls were allowed to do anything and everything they wanted. We were busy every weekend, and I would spend as much time as possible doing what they wanted. I was involved in everything the girls were, from Girl Scouts to running the PTA when they were young to driving carpool and hosting incredible birthday parties. I will admit that I enjoyed every minute of it, but I will also admit that much of it came out of expectations and not wanting to let others down. I should have only cared about doing what the girls needed, not what everyone expected.

When Dave died, everyone told me how strong I was and how I could handle anything. Everyone meant it with love, but whenever I wanted to break down or give up or just cry, I couldn’t because everyone expected me to be strong. It took over three years for me to admit that it wasn’t as easy as it looked. But I could only admit it after I had done everything expected of me because then, no matter what the truth was, everyone could only see the strength I showed. All anyone ever saw was me getting on with my life. If I told someone what I had done over the weekend or something, they were so impressed because I had done it all by myself. Of course, I did – who was there to do it with and did I even have a choice. I went to dinner or a movie alone, and everyone thought it was amazing. When I went zip-lining by myself, I was told how brave I was. When I went skiing for the very first time on my 47th birthday, it confirmed to everyone that I was doing well. Everyone expected me to be able to handle everything, so I did.

For fifty years, I have done what everyone expects. I can’t even make my own decisions without considering what others would expect me to do. When I quit my job back in February and decided to travel, nobody was very surprised. Based on their expectations of me and my life, I was just continuing to do what they knew I could and would do. It is hard to break out of the habit of doing what is expected of me. I wonder what my life would look like if I did what I wanted and if I put myself first. But the truth is that I cannot do anything that isn’t want others expect of me. When I took a bad fall in Seattle, and I started to consider what I wanted to do, I would immediately defer to what others expect of me every time I would be on the verge of making a decision. So, that is what I am doing and will continue to do, what others expect of me.