18 July 2021 – Where am I? There have been some days during my travels when I actually have woken and wondered where I am, but that is not the question I am trying to answer. As usual, I am more philosophical in my question. I have been lost for a long time. Throughout my trip, I have often decided to veer off the main road to visit something or to try something new, but I have always been headed in a general direction. Thanks to GPS, a paper road atlas and a good sense of direction I always knew where I was and how to get to where I wanted to be. At one time on my trip, I was alerted that I would have to reach a certain location on Pacific Coast Highway during a specific three-hour window, or I would have to wait four hours before the road was open. Life is nothing like that. Why doesn’t life come with a road map and detour signs and traffic alerts? Throughout my travels, this analogy comes to mind several times each day as I drive towards my next destination, where am I?

Instead, life is completely the opposite. We are given no directions, only guidelines and free will. Being pretty logical beings, we map out our lives in our heads, and we make decisions based on this roadmap. Surprise! We don’t know where the road closures and detours will occur. Even more, we don’t know when the road we are following will be completely wiped out or when we will hit a wall or when someone else’s road will intercept ours. We create the map of our life, but we don’t have any idea the obstacles we will meet. I know that during my life, I have encountered many signs that have changed everything: speed limit that slowed me down or sped me up, dead ends that forced me to make u-turns and stop signs that made me wait. There have also been forks in the road with no signs showing which way to go. What about all of those entrance and exit ramps where people come into your life or leave it.

Even though everyone thinks I am so brave and adventurous, the truth is that I was just out of options. I was literally at a point where I was faking everything all of the time. I was barely holding on. Every single day I felt like I was barely holding on and that I was just one step from a complete breakdown. It was obvious to me that I couldn’t continue that way because it was exhausting me. I was working too hard and too long and was getting nothing from it. I no longer had any aspirations, and couldn’t see a month down the road, let alone years. It was not brave for me to quit my job and start my new adventures. It was the only way I would survive.

I have spent the last six months trying to embrace a life without road maps. My thought was that if I started living a life without direction or a planned path, then I could learn to live with the fact that my life didn’t follow its planned path. It was a grand plan, and I am enjoying much of it, but I am still lost in so many ways. Fortunately, all of this time alone, drifting without a specific plan, has given me the opportunity to become much more self-aware.

Good or bad, this intense self-awareness had really shown me who I am. I know what I will tolerate and when to walk away, what I need and what is just stuff. I know that I can live out of one carry-on suitcase for six weeks and only do laundry once in that time. I know that the walls around my heart are still very tall and solid, but I also know what needs to happen to bring them down. I know that although most of the time, no one talks to me when I am out that it has nothing to do with me. I know that other people’s actions have nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I know that people will disappoint me, so I am learning to have no expectations of others while still giving 100% to them. I know that my problems, my emotional and physical pains, my self-doubt, my insecurities and my sadness are mine and that everyone else has their own stuff, so they don’t need mine.

Now that I am becoming more self-aware and I know who I am, maybe soon I will figure out the answer to the next question, where am I?